The Certain Costs of Loss

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There are many things in life that just happen or we accident upon; some might even claim to be just lucky. One thing is for sure, if you live at all, you will lose something. I have dammed up the oceans of tears slamming against my heart with the forces of angry waves making rocks sand. My beloved doggy is no more. It has been the longest of nights and the most uneasy of mornings. The absence of life leaves a void in a person. The memory of life serves as a reminder of the now absence once filled. For all the things I have easily or hesitantly fixed; this one is beyond me. I could not stop my wife's tears erupting from her soul. I could not return to life a most precious pet now gone. I could not even cure myself of the loss I now felt.

Annie had been diagnosed with a tumor the size of a grapefruit several months ago at her last immunization shots visit. They gave her 4 weeks at best. Since it had now been practically 6 months; you kind of forget about what was said. You begin to think that maybe they were wrong or it was just nothing. You begin to have hope. In fact, Annie was doing much better so it seemed. Only in the last week had it appeared that something might be wrong. She was practically human. I taught her new words even at 13 yrs old. She would run and jump at the park. She played and chased after toys and fireflies. All the normal really young dog stuff. She was really my favorite child in the family; always there when I came home and always walking me to the door before I left. Even if I layed in the floor to watch TV, she would plop down there too. What a wienny dog!

I am flooded with little funny memories of her now. The trips we took — cause there are very few places we went without her. My mother loved her too, as well as Dad. My sister babysat her several times and recognized her uniqeness. I remember her eating her first bite of snow; how she trembled at the sound of the snow scraping the bottom of our yellow bug on the way to Iowa; how she met no strangers and thought everything was her long lost friend large or small. She liked it when we took her to nursing homes so she could meet new old people and leave them with a smile She was a princess. Much like her father, she would enter a room, pause, pose and smile before continuing; insisting on her presence being known. She loved going to the doggy parlor as parades of people admired her exit and pretty bows behind each ear. What a wienny dog!

It's odd...if you have seen death up close and personal; you know the evidence of its presence — the shallow breathing, the lack of need for eating or drinking, the slight twitch, that growing distant glare in the eyes and the difference in touch response. Yeah, I have seen it before. I will recognize it when it comes back for me. She was the greatest pet, friend, comrade, guardian angel, kind spirit I have yet to know. As she lay dying in our tear-stained arms; there is an instant when "is" "isn't." That's a pretty unmistakeable realization. We returned to our car to share our tears and our loss alone together; just like the day we became one; no longer two individuals. Some of the greatest mysteries don't have human answers. Why.

In the end...we all say Rest In Peace. I long to see my little Annie running over the new grassy rise with her million dollar smile and dangly ears toward our waiting arms. Farewell my little princess..... Now comes the really hard part; going back home tonite without you. I think I could have skipped this day.

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M