A Life's Pursuit: Reflections of Tomorrow

Wednesday, August 29, 2007

Reflections of Tomorrow






I had the pleasure of seeing my stepfather this past weekend in Las Vegas. He was my first friend in the new family. We agreeed to always talk especially if we disagreed. He honors me by honoring my father. That I will never forget. I have noticed, as with most trips to see those who have trodded life before me, the passing of time and the clues no longer so subtle of its presence passing. I have stared into faces, even my own, watching what must be trapped beneath in a machine that no longer follows my commands or whims. I have stared into eyes, even my own, that have seen things unsaid to the conscious curious on-lookers of things past and yet to come. I have stared into crevices, even my own, of lines time has etched into faces, knuckles and skin no longer prime. So it is that we must all travel such a road. SO it is that all were born to expire. So it is that nothing can change the credentials of time's passing. It comes to every one of us.

It changes you to see strong things weak. It is even frightening to realize "if them; then what of me?" It changes you to see the humanity in things once invincible; but we are all made of the same "stuff;" thus we also must be or will be weak. It changes you when you experience true helplessness in the face of those who would trust you for help. I can think of no pleasant times in such cases. Only the ships that have sailed before me blink at my soon coming. Soon my best heroes will have ceased; as will I, first existing in memories then fading into an occassional story, then nothing...as though I was never here.

2 fathers


I have only seen my father cry a very few times. I have only seen him truely hurt or be in pain or admit it very few times. Those stick with me like only yesterday. I remember watching my mother in her last days of agony as her fist son looked on helplessly and silently hurting along with her; mostly because there was nothing he could do to ease hers. She always remarked about how if anyone could, he would; but this time he would be as helpless as all the rest, as powerless as not existing...not even special. Some pains are too deep to curl the frown upwards. Sometimes, time and pain go hand in hand; nothing stays the same forever except forever.

2 fathers


Sure, occassionally I can lighten the mood with a comment or joke or funny expression. None of those stop the persistent march of time, painting the lines of living and dying into our mortal canvas only to be folded into the dough of eternity. I shall miss both my fathers. They have been my biggest supporters. Their strengths have given me strength...their pains have given me the ability to rise again and again. They are quite different; but really similar. Both stubborn. Both survivors. Both love their families. Both self-sacrificing. Both more than honorable men. Both something to look up to and imitate. But all the leaves fall from the trees in autumn no matter how good the spring and summer. That is the order of things and that I understand. We are all born to fall; to lay sleeping in eternity after running across the floors, blinking til our time.


Isn't it odd that we always want what we can't have. Most young can't wait to be old. Most old would give anthing to be young again. It never matters how many times you hear the stories; the end never changes. We are all born "human," blinking til we are something else.



This is an ode to a great blog on this subject. click here



2 comments:

Andrew Stanfield said...

An absolutely incredible blog, Mr. Russell. I can't remember the last time I read prose that sounded so poetic. Welcome back.

Bendy said...

I love that pic of you and your dad. Of course you'd be wearing one of your 1,205,058,098 smiley tshirts ;)